27th
November
2006
I Have a Few Questions
posted in Humor |- If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
- If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
- If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
- If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
- If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle? –Tom Robbins
- If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
- If a mime commits suicide, does he use a silencer? –Steven Wright
- If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn't it reverse up and down? (Thanks, Robert A. Hinds)
- If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
- If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?
- If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air? –Steven Wright
- If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb?
- If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth scream out in pain?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
- If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
- If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? –Harry Shearer
- If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
- If all the world is a stage, where are the audience sitting?
- If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green, and a lemon called a yellow?
- If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
- If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? (Thanks, Bob Hornal)
- If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in a beeiary?
- If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? –Steven Wright
- If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them?
- If corn can't hear, why does it have an ear?
- If corn oil is made from corn, what is baby oil made from?
- If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
- If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of? –Ashleigh Brilliant
- If flowers don’t talk back to you, are they mums?
- If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every show? –Steven Wright
- If God can do anything, can he make a rock so big he can't lift it? –George Carlin
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?
- If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?
- If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? –Steven Wright
- If I save time, when do I get it back?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? –Dennis Miller
- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?
- If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
- If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
- If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
- If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
- If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it?
- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? –Art Hoppe
- If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
- If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? (Thanks, Chris Cole)
- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
- If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
- If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
- If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
- If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?
- If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
- If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
- If you mixed milk of magnesia with orange juice and vodka, would you get a Philips' screwdriver? (Thanks, Hannah Fried)
- If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
