Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit?

Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even twenty miles away?

Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?

Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire?

Somehow they always know when they can "go for a ride" before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away?

I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.

And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance.

Simply said, a good ol' hound dog just KNOWS when something isn't right… when impending doom is upon us…

I have a test model that I'm going to put on eBay:

Retroencabulator by Rockwell Automation Systems

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a Democrat in the making: Who else but a Democrat could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Later, the farmer changed Butch's name to James Earl Carter, or just Al Gore for short.

I'm Serious.

Maureen Dowd attempted an obvious rip-off of FrankJ's "In My World" series, and it's completely unfunny, except for this line, ostensibly from Dick Cheney:

We have done virtually everything we can with respect to carrots, if you will. It’s time for squash. Not to mention mushrooms, clouds of them.

David Brooks does a little better.

Lolterizts from reader DamnCat on IMAO.

N.O.W. - National Organization for Women - just in case you don't know who they are, and why this is irony.

Lawrence Simon is twisted. Mostly in a good way.

Check out Captain's Blog.

Found some info on debt-free living; made a lot of sense.

Frank J writes another classic In My World:

I don't know who's idea it was that the White House should regularly answer questions from people much dumber than the average American, but this is obviously a failed concept.

It's very descriptive. Islamo-Fascists are turds. Most Democrat politicians are turds (okay most politicians, period). Bill Maher is a turd.

See?

One of my dad's expressions was "That's about as funny as a turd in a punch-bowl." (That's what made me think of Bill Maher.)

Today I learned a new expression from Larry Criteser, when he was disparaging a gift that he thought was cheap crappy: “Is that the best y'all could do? That's like handing him a turd by the ‘clean’ end.”

Let’s all try to use “turd” more, OK?

I found this at The Other Side of Kim du Toit — a wholly appropriate abbreviation for Democrat members of Congress, both House and Senate:

Dem Cong

(Cong, short for Cong San, is Vietnamese for Communist)

"State Police Looking for New Troopers"–headline, Oregonian, April 4

Well, it turns out the helicopter-enforced tax on barbecues was a hoax, according to RIA Novosti.

The funniest thing, though, was that so many of us found it believable.

"French Train Sets Rail Record 357.2 MPH" — headline, Associated Press, April 3

Context below the fold…

Seriously. It's true.

I hope these dog-sized-toads don’t become popular. I don’t want to see Paris Hilton walking around with a toad.

(Joke stolen from late-night comic Craig Ferguson)

FrankJ has a hilarious series called "In My World," and the latest episode is funny as ever, but also a perfect description of how the Democrats "support the troops."

Read In My World: Never Negotiate with Democrats. You'll have a greater appreciation of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.

Is he going to run? What's with the empty hype and non-announcements?

Mrs. R seems to know what's on his mind. (Hint: it's not biodegradable.)

Way! 

WuzzaDem: New Sub-Clause Discovered in U.S. Constitution

How not to rob a liquor store

For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lessor known breeds that are being bred in different parts of the United States.

Cross breed Dogs:

• Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
• Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
• Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
• Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
• Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
• Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
• Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
• Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
• Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
• Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
• Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
• Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
• Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
• If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
• If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
• If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle? –Tom Robbins
• If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
• If a mime commits suicide, does he use a silencer? –Steven Wright
• If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn't it reverse up and down? (Thanks, Robert A. Hinds)
• If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
• If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?
• If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air? –Steven Wright
• If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb?
• If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth scream out in pain?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
• If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? –Harry Shearer
• If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
• If all the world is a stage, where are the audience sitting?
• If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green, and a lemon called a yellow?
• If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
• If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? (Thanks, Bob Hornal)
• If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in a beeiary?
• If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? –Steven Wright
• If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them?
• If corn can't hear, why does it have an ear?
• If corn oil is made from corn, what is baby oil made from?
• If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
• If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of? –Ashleigh Brilliant
• If flowers don’t talk back to you, are they mums?
• If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every show? –Steven Wright
• If God can do anything, can he make a rock so big he can't lift it? –George Carlin
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?
• If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?
• If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? –Steven Wright
• If I save time, when do I get it back?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? –Dennis Miller
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?
• If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
• If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
• If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
• If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
• If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it?
• If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? –Art Hoppe
• If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
• If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? (Thanks, Chris Cole)
• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
• If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
• If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?
• If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
• If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
• If you mixed milk of magnesia with orange juice and vodka, would you get a Philips' screwdriver? (Thanks, Hannah Fried)
• If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

LOL - Hear the song here.

"Mr. Way Too Liberal For Texas Guy" Transcript:

Announcer: Presenting…
Singer: Real Washington liberals
Announcer: Today we salute you, Mr. Way Too Liberal for Texas Guy
Singer:  Mr. Way Too Liberal for Texas Guy!
Announcer: Only you, Chris Bell, could vote for higher taxes ten times in congress, and despite a record state surplus, run for governor on a platform of raising taxes.
Singer: This ain’t Taxachusetts!
Chorus: Taxachusetts!
Announcer: Congressman Bell, only you could vote to make it hard to deport terrorists then support sanctuary for illegal immigrants so the law can’t ask a person’s legal status.
Singer: Don’t ask, don’t tell!
Announcer: And you voted to let the United Nations oversee elections in America because no one stands up for democracy like the French.
Singer: Je m’appelle Christophe Bell! (My name is Chris Bell)
Announcer: So wear your fancy beret with pride, Congressman Bell… liberals everywhere salute you.
Singer: Mr. Way Too Liberal for Texas Guy
Chorus: Ooh la la

"Mr. Way Too Liberal For Texas Guy" Fact Check:

Today we salute you, Mr. Way Too Liberal for Texas Guy.  Only you, Chris Bell, could vote for higher taxes 10 times in congress…

Vote 82, 3/21/2003
VOTED AGAINST - The Congressional Budget for Fiscal Year 2004 included authorization for President Bush’s tax cut package.

Vote 141, 4/11/2003
VOTED AGAINST - The Congressional Budget for Fiscal Year 2004 included authorization for President Bush’s tax cut package.

Vote 182, 5/9/2003
VOTED AGAINST - The Jobs and Growth Reconciliation Act cut taxes by $550 billion, including raising the child tax credit to $1,000 through 2005.

Vote 225, 5/23/2003
VOTED AGAINST - The Jobs and Growth Reconciliation Act cut taxes by $350 billion, including raising the child tax credit from $600 to $1,000 for 2003 and 2004.

Vote 274, 6/12/2003
VOTED AGAINST - The Tax Relief, Simplification, and Equity Act of 2003 extended the $1,000 per-child tax credit to 2010 and accelerated a refund for this credit to low-income families. 

Vote 136, 4/28/2004
VOTED FOR - This amendment eliminated tax cuts for high income families. 

Vote 169, 5/13/2004
VOTED FOR - This amendment raised the tax rate 1.9 percent on the top income bracket.

Vote 208, 5/20/2004
VOTED FOR - This amendment placed an additional tax on high income taxpayers.

Vote 259, 6/17/2004
VOTED AGAINST - The American Jobs Creation Act provided $140 billion in business tax relief creating a more competitive and productive environment for manufacturing, service, and high-technology businesses. 

Vote 301, 6/24/2004
VOTED FOR - This resolution increased government spending by $14.2 billion by repealing $18.9 billion in tax cuts.

…and despite a record state surplus…

In April 2006, the Office of the Comptroller announced a historic state budget surplus of $8.2 billion in General Revenue-Related funds available.  (Comptroller of Public Accounts, 2006-07 Revenue Estimate for the 79th Legislature: Third Called Session, April 2006)

…run for governor on a platform of raising taxes.

Bell Supports Higher Property Taxes- “He acknowledged that the plan would be expensive and suggested that the property tax rollbacks backed by Republican Gov. Rick Perry and enacted by the Legislature this summer would have to be curtailed to pay for it. (Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 9/23/06)

Bell Opposes Appraisal Reform to Keep Property Taxes Low- “Democrat Chris Bell, one of Perry's challengers for governor, said appraisal caps are unnecessary.” (Austin American-Statesman, 8/22/06)  “I don’t think that legislators in Austin should pass property tax appraisal limits…” (DallasNews.com 2006 Candidate Quiz)

Bell Would Support a Job-Killing Payroll Tax- “Overhauling the state’s business tax is the key to the school finance reform package I would fight for… This business tax overhaul could take the form of either a broad-based payroll tax or a gross receipts tax.”  (DallasNews.com 2006 Candidate Quiz)

Bell Supports Higher Taxes on Employers- “He would fund the salary hike by increasing the rate of the state's new business tax, though he wouldn't specify by how much.” (Associated Press, 9/1/06)

Bell Would Support Raising the Sales Tax- “We might have to look at slightly increasing the sales tax.” (Dallas Morning News, 2/10/06)

Bell is Open to a Personal Income Tax in the Future- “On his watch, Bell said, a bipartisan commission will recommend changes to the state's ‘antiquated’ tax system, but he ruled out, ‘for now,’ creation of a state personal income tax.” (Austin American-Statesman, 8/15/05)

Bell: Anyone Who Says We Don’t Need Higher Taxes is a Liar- "Rick Perry has basically tried to tell people that state government can meet all their needs … and they don't have to pay a penny more. People are waking up to the fact that is completely false."  (Houston Chronicle, 12/10/05)

Bell Calls this an Insult?- “Rick Perry's biggest priority is to pass a tax cut.” (San Antonio Express-News, 3/21/06)

Congressman Bell, only you could vote to make it hard to deport terrorists…

Congressman Chris Bell voted against an amendment to the 9/11 Recommendations Implementation Act that would have strengthened our immigration laws by allowing for the swift deportation of known terrorist.

Vote 516 on October 8, 2004 would have defined that all terrorist-related grounds of inadmissibility would also be grounds of deportability; makes attending a terrorist training camp an inadmissible and deportable offense; and strengthens the grounds of inadmissibility and deportability regarding the providing of money or other material support to a terrorist organization.

…then support sanctuary for illegal immigrants so the law can’t ask a person’s legal status.

In 1997, Bell sponsored a city council measure that would have declared Houston “an immigrant ‘safety zone.’ Their proposal… would ensure city services for all Houston residents, regardless of immigration status.  The measure calls for no financial commitment, but it ensures that the city’s agencies, such as the Houston Police Department and public health clinics don’t ask about immigration status.  To City Councilman Chris Bell, who has agreed to sponsor the measure, it clarifies Houston’s stance on some gray areas linked to the new welfare and immigration laws.” (Houston Chronicle, 6/29/97)

Congressman Chris Bell voted against an amendment to the Department of Homeland Security Appropriations Bill that would have strengthened our immigration laws by allowing local law enforcement to ask criminal suspects their legal status to be in our country.

Vote 270 on June 8, 2004 would have prohibited the use of funds to provide assistance to any state or local government entity or official that prohibits or restricts the sharing of an individual’s citizenship or immigration status with the Bureau of Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

And you voted to let the United Nations oversee elections in America because no one stands up for democracy like the French.

Congressman Bell voted against barring the use of taxpayer funds to request the United Nations oversee and assess the validity of elections in the United States. (Vote 385, 7/15/04)

Stolen directly from IMAO.us, because it's funny.

It touches the heart — really it does. <sniff>

Grab a hankie and head to IMAO.

Yay! It's finally up! This week's Carnival of Comedy, which I'm calling the Harvest Carnival, since SpaceMonkey won't tell me which number it is. (I got it wrong the last two times.)

My lovely wife is out of town, and since I'm taking care of the girls by myself, I have a good excuse for being late this time — I kept having to choose between taking care of the kids or drugging them and posting the carnival, and I chose to take care of the kids every single time because I'm a wonderful Dad. Ironically, it's a light carnival this week, but I'm still going to be lazy and use the carnival format. That's why they all start with UserName presents PostName, and so forth. Sue me.

Stiknstein presents The Real Thing??..I bet JOLT is better?.. posted at stikNstein….has no mercy. An intro Cocaine, an energy drink with a "fun" name, and a bit of history of the Coca-Cola brand.

Elizabeth presents Meet the master of the lap dance and presidential candidate posted at Creatures of the Earth. I think Elizabeth got us confused with the Carnival of the Cats, which I should create and submit a post for, since I'm a link slut.

Madeleine Begun Kane presents How To Disorganize Your Life posted at MAD KANE'S HUMOR BLOG. I feel sorry for Madeleine, but also for her neighbors, because step 2 involves dashing around the house naked, and although subsequent steps involve leaving the house, none involve getting dressed.

Miriam presents Guns don't kill people posted at miriam's ideas. A heart-warming story of a granny shooting a would-be intruder, which of course is also funny.

Chris Carlisle presents The Shallow End of the Jury Pool posted at The Dimmer Switch. Boy, I sure want to be judged by a bunch of people that aren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Tommy presents Microsoft Yields To Open Source Programming posted at The Kag Report. A dream…

Damian G. presents Mother Nature: Republican Operative? posted at Conservathink. Watch for How-wierd Dean to demand an investigation…

Well, that's it for the Harvest Carnival of Comedy, sponsored by IMAO. You can submit your entry for future carnivals at the Blog Carnival. Contact SpaceMonkey (link at Blog Carnival) if you want to host a carnival. You don't even have to do it promptly or well!

Headline: Astronauts Put Final Touches on Solar System

ABC News: Mysterious Object Keeps Shuttle Crew in Orbit